Korea Loves the USA

Today I went to Diversity Thrift, a Richmond-based goldmine of all things tacky and delightful. Little did I know that today I would stumble upon a true treasure. I found what a Korean guidebook to American slang called Drunken English - written in Korean with awkward English conversations to put the “idioms” in context. I say “idioms” because I’m pretty sure half of these phrases are never, ever used in typical English conversation (There is no better tomorrow? Love hangover?). My personal favorite is “Beat the living crab [sic] out of you.” It would be a crime not to share these delightful interpretations of American culture with you. Here are some excerpts for your lol’ing pleasure.

On Body Image and Insensitivity Towards Lactose Intolerance
Jenny: I’m applying for new flight attendants recruitment.
Mark: I’m sorry to tell you this, miss. But look at you! You’ve got both beer belly and pot belly! You look like a hippo or a pumpkin pie or something. Flight attendants? Just forget it!
Jenny: What did you just call me? A hippo?
Mark: Nope. A pumpkin pie, I said. But you know what’s true is true. If you really wanna make it as a flight attendant, you ought to bite the bullet and be on a hardcore diet. A cup of milk is more than enough to keep you alive for a day. Just take my advice and do it!
Jenny: A cup of milk? You crazy! I can’t even skip a meal If I do, I’m dead, I gotta have what I gotta have. That’s not to be compromised!

On the American Dream
James: I heard you used to teach at college in Korea.
Man: Sure I did.
James: Then what made you come to the States and lead a miserable life like this? Seems like you are nothing but a liquor store clerk now.
Man: I thought I would be better off if I immigrated to the states. But actually I’m not.
James: You underestimated a living in America.

On Higher Education
Father: That’s why I’m pushing you to an MBA, son! You gotta have degrees if you weren’t born smart in this world!
James: BA degree is good enough already! See Bill Gates! He didn’t even finish the college.
Father: But it was at least Harvard! And what are you?! You always drink like fish and get fucked up and make troubles all the time! And double whammy is you don’t respect me as a father no more!

On How to Score Women and Pimp Out Your Family
Mark: …I’ll hook you up with my sister myself! You know she’s been selected as a cover girl for Sports Illustrated this month.
James: You sure?
Mark: Needs you ask?
James: OK! Fuck it! Just floor it! Let’s wear some flowers in our hats!

On Why the Geico Guys Won’t Find Love
Mark: Girls like Jenny hate cave men like you. I’m telling you because you’re my buddy.
James: Cave men? Look who’s talking?
Mark: Why? Am I not right? You cave men!
James: Watch your language!
Mark: You don’t scare me, you chicken shit!
James: Take back what you said or else!
Mark: Let me sleep on it!

On the Author (Sun Kim) and His Inflated Sense of Self-Worth
Sun: Everyone knows that I’ve published a new English book, right?
People: Yes, sir!
Sun: I’m not telling you everyone should buy one. Only smart persons should buy because the supply is limited.
People: Drunken English or death!
Mark: I went to bookstores all over the city but the books are all sold out! I need your book! Sun!
(Everyone is so moved they burst into tears.)