Facebook to Launch New Feature That Completely Jacks Up Your Life for No Apparent ReasonPosted: 10/03/2011 | |
Facebook is ready to announce the launch of a major new interface feature, Facebook Trolls. According to a Facebook insider, Trolls will “completely jack your sh*t up just for the lolz of it.” How? For months, a top-secret group of web developers, programmers, and Kim Jong-il have worked with Mark Zuckerberg to devise a way for Facebook to completely take over every aspect of your life.
Facebook Trolls will monitor your updates and send them through a complex judging algorithm before posting your updates to the site. For example, if one attempts to use Instagram, the popular photo-sharing app, to upload a picture of your lunch, Facebook will automatically ban you from the website for the day. Any update that contains a typo or inappropriate use of contractions will result in mentally abusing pop-up notifications for the remainder of the day. Also in development is a feature that will unleash major kinks in one’s space-time continuum every time an attention-seeking update and/or photo is uploaded.
So how will Facebook Trolls revise the most recent interface overhaul? After all, many people have complained about the recently unrolled Ticker feature, claiming that it invades users’ privacy beyond Facebook’s normal boundaries. Answer: it won’t. In fact, Facebook Trolls will introduce a new “personal ticker” that uses computer monitoring, mobile tracking, and private investigators to tell you exactly how you feel at any given moment. “You have enough to worry about,” explained Facebook CEO and creator Zuckerberg. “Why should you have to determine whether you have to pee or not when Facebook can notify you the exact moment your bladder reaches capacity?” No worries – this ticker won’t replace the ticker that notifies you of every move your friends make. After Facebook Trolls is unleashed, these two tickers will run side-by-side — the major difference is that these tickers will now be permanently displayed on your screen at all times, not just on the Facebook home page.
Other minor additions to be added with the launch of Trolls include background music on profile pages and glitter text, a nod to the “early 2000′s charm” of the moribund Myspace. A new legion of Facebook Bots will also be launched. These bots will “really lively up Facebook,” chuckles Zuckerberg. Details have been kept under wraps, but Zuckerberg let slip that a Rebecca Black bot will spam every user’s stati on Fridays.
Facebook Trolls is set to launch in mid-December, just in time for the holidays.