Girl Story: Setting Women's Lib Back by 30 Years

I recently joined the cult of the iPhone when my trusty old Palm Pre became, well, not so trusty. You know what that means: download ALL the apps! I regularly browse the top 25 apps on the Apple store (free, obviously, because I’m a cheapskate). The other day I stumbled upon a gem called Girl Story. When I read the description, I simply couldn’t resist:

Do work, shop in the mall, dress yourself up and flirt with hot guys in the club! And you can get a boyfriend, kiss him, dress him and request gift from him!

Based on that, it’s either glorified prostitution or a video game version of Clueless. I love Clueless! Cher was a total Betty. With matching ensembles and feathery-topped pens in my mind, I downloaded Girl Story.

Oh, wrong. It’s total prostitution. The background music even sounds like the soundtrack to a Joe Francis project. The entire premise is that you make money by “working” (some scattershot modeling, apparently—i’m willing to bet it’s of the pornographic variety) and accosting guys at bars:

Oh, goody! I bet the presents largely involve GHB!

The bars are largely named things like “Green Buffaloes” and “Hot Wind” and the only drinks they offer are beer, “cocktail,” and whiskey. What a ripoff! In order to even hit on these guys, you have to wear “night” clothes. By some streak of luck–I’m betting it was my character’s Katy Perry-esque purple shag–I snagged a boyfriend the first time I tried. His name was Alfred and he was a bricklayer and we only had to chat for 5 seconds before he waxed poetic to me constantly. However, I found myself wanting to move up the food chain, as Alfred was a needy bitch who always asked for my kisses but refused to give me a present after a whole hour of dating. RUDE. However, other options were hard to come by when you can only wear level 1 “going out” clothes:

Is it because I’m fat?

I was heartbroken. Then I realized that my character was low on energy. Oh no! What to do?! I immediately whisked her off to the grocery store, which seems to be a Real Housewife of Iphoneland County’s pantry:

Burn off the shame of your chocolate binge with diet cola and gum!

Chocophobic? Hate beverages? Never fear. Your character has somehow achieved every supermodel’s dream–her energy magically repletes over time WITHOUT food!

You may have noticed the star counter beside the Magical Donut Energy Indicator. What is that mysterious ticker? Why, that’s your confidence counter. How does one increase their confidence? By making your character read and fully understand the works of Kafka! Oh, just kidding:

But what if the clothes make me feel fat?!

That’s essentially all there is to this game. We are teaching our children excellent morals, aren’t we? Poor nutrition, superficiality, shopping, and porn: AMERICA! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some bigger fish to fry:

Thank god he’s not a BRICKLAYER. That’s just the bottom of the barrel.

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