Daft Punk, my go-to for motivational studying tunes and #whitegirldancing, has confirmed that their new album will have 13 tracks. Sadly, there are no titles. Therefore, I am making my OWN titles. I shall see how they match up when the album is released. I’m predicting a real chart topper with “Bloop.”
1. Thoughtful Intro
2. Yet One More Time
4. Giving No Fucks
5. Doing the Robot, Huh?
6. Stop Doing the Robot
7. TENNIS (Technotronic Electronic Neolithic Narcoleptic Isotropic Supersonic)
9. Je Voudrais
10. Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever
11. Keynesian Cybernomics
I recently joined the cult of the iPhone when my trusty old Palm Pre became, well, not so trusty. You know what that means: download ALL the apps! I regularly browse the top 25 apps on the Apple store (free, obviously, because I’m a cheapskate). The other day I stumbled upon a gem called Girl Story. When I read the description, I simply couldn’t resist:
Do work, shop in the mall, dress yourself up and flirt with hot guys in the club! And you can get a boyfriend, kiss him, dress him and request gift from him!
Based on that, it’s either glorified prostitution or a video game version of Clueless. I love Clueless! Cher was a total Betty. With matching ensembles and feathery-topped pens in my mind, I downloaded Girl Story.
Oh, wrong. It’s total prostitution. The background music even sounds like the soundtrack to a Joe Francis project. The entire premise is that you make money by “working” (some scattershot modeling, apparently—i’m willing to bet it’s of the pornographic variety) and accosting guys at bars:
The bars are largely named things like “Green Buffaloes” and “Hot Wind” and the only drinks they offer are beer, “cocktail,” and whiskey. What a ripoff! In order to even hit on these guys, you have to wear “night” clothes. By some streak of luck–I’m betting it was my character’s Katy Perry-esque purple shag–I snagged a boyfriend the first time I tried. His name was Alfred and he was a bricklayer and we only had to chat for 5 seconds before he waxed poetic to me constantly. However, I found myself wanting to move up the food chain, as Alfred was a needy bitch who always asked for my kisses but refused to give me a present after a whole hour of dating. RUDE. However, other options were hard to come by when you can only wear level 1 “going out” clothes:
I was heartbroken. Then I realized that my character was low on energy. Oh no! What to do?! I immediately whisked her off to the grocery store, which seems to be a Real Housewife of Iphoneland County’s pantry:
Chocophobic? Hate beverages? Never fear. Your character has somehow achieved every supermodel’s dream–her energy magically repletes over time WITHOUT food!
You may have noticed the star counter beside the Magical Donut Energy Indicator. What is that mysterious ticker? Why, that’s your confidence counter. How does one increase their confidence? By making your character read and fully understand the works of Kafka! Oh, just kidding:
That’s essentially all there is to this game. We are teaching our children excellent morals, aren’t we? Poor nutrition, superficiality, shopping, and porn: AMERICA! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some bigger fish to fry:
In your August issue, you included an intriguing article that analyzed “what his Facebook status means” in your usual estrogen-drunk, over-analytical form. One of your categories for Facebook stati was “Man Who Posts Lots of ‘Deep’ Thoughts.” You included the following example status:
Demonstrate value. Engage physically. Nurture independence. Inspire hope.
You went on to say that the man that posted this takes himself pretty seriously, is thoughtful, reliable, and extra sensitive to women’s needs. I would just like to take this moment to politely correct you. The man that posted this was, in fact, quoting the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
This system was designed by Dennis Reynolds, debonaire manwhore extraordinaire, to make any woman fall in love with him before he sneaks off into the night, leaving her crying into her 600-thead-count pillowcase. So yeah…I don’t think the guy that posted this is any of those things you said.
Nice try. Hilarious embarrassing moments this month, by the way!
Today I went to Diversity Thrift, a Richmond-based goldmine of all things tacky and delightful. Little did I know that today I would stumble upon a true treasure. I found what a Korean guidebook to American slang called Drunken English - written in Korean with awkward English conversations to put the “idioms” in context. I say “idioms” because I’m pretty sure half of these phrases are never, ever used in typical English conversation (There is no better tomorrow? Love hangover?). My personal favorite is “Beat the living crab [sic] out of you.” It would be a crime not to share these delightful interpretations of American culture with you. Here are some excerpts for your lol’ing pleasure.
On Body Image and Insensitivity Towards Lactose Intolerance
Jenny: I’m applying for new flight attendants recruitment.
Mark: I’m sorry to tell you this, miss. But look at you! You’ve got both beer belly and pot belly! You look like a hippo or a pumpkin pie or something. Flight attendants? Just forget it!
Jenny: What did you just call me? A hippo?
Mark: Nope. A pumpkin pie, I said. But you know what’s true is true. If you really wanna make it as a flight attendant, you ought to bite the bullet and be on a hardcore diet. A cup of milk is more than enough to keep you alive for a day. Just take my advice and do it!
Jenny: A cup of milk? You crazy! I can’t even skip a meal If I do, I’m dead, I gotta have what I gotta have. That’s not to be compromised!
On the American Dream
James: I heard you used to teach at college in Korea.
Man: Sure I did.
James: Then what made you come to the States and lead a miserable life like this? Seems like you are nothing but a liquor store clerk now.
Man: I thought I would be better off if I immigrated to the states. But actually I’m not.
James: You underestimated a living in America.
On Higher Education
Father: That’s why I’m pushing you to an MBA, son! You gotta have degrees if you weren’t born smart in this world!
James: BA degree is good enough already! See Bill Gates! He didn’t even finish the college.
Father: But it was at least Harvard! And what are you?! You always drink like fish and get fucked up and make troubles all the time! And double whammy is you don’t respect me as a father no more!
On How to Score Women and Pimp Out Your Family
Mark: …I’ll hook you up with my sister myself! You know she’s been selected as a cover girl for Sports Illustrated this month.
James: You sure?
Mark: Needs you ask?
James: OK! Fuck it! Just floor it! Let’s wear some flowers in our hats!
On Why the Geico Guys Won’t Find Love
Mark: Girls like Jenny hate cave men like you. I’m telling you because you’re my buddy.
James: Cave men? Look who’s talking?
Mark: Why? Am I not right? You cave men!
James: Watch your language!
Mark: You don’t scare me, you chicken shit!
James: Take back what you said or else!
Mark: Let me sleep on it!
On the Author (Sun Kim) and His Inflated Sense of Self-Worth
Sun: Everyone knows that I’ve published a new English book, right?
People: Yes, sir!
Sun: I’m not telling you everyone should buy one. Only smart persons should buy because the supply is limited.
People: Drunken English or death!
Mark: I went to bookstores all over the city but the books are all sold out! I need your book! Sun!
(Everyone is so moved they burst into tears.)