Message to 7/11: “Meat is Murder”
Posted: 01/17/2012 Filed under: Plans, Tales Leave a comment »Today I was cleaning out my work computer when I found a letter than I authored to the 7/11 corporate HQ back in October. I’m just going to leave the letter in its entirety here. PS – this letter is now in the mail to 7/11. It’s a good thing I’m looking out for the dietary health of America.
Click “more” for, well, more.
Girl Story: Setting Women’s Lib Back by 30 Years
Posted: 10/12/2011 Filed under: Discoveries, Tales | Tags: apple, apps, girl story, iphone, mildly offensive, sexist Leave a comment »I recently joined the cult of the iPhone when my trusty old Palm Pre became, well, not so trusty. You know what that means: download ALL the apps! I regularly browse the top 25 apps on the Apple store (free, obviously, because I’m a cheapskate). The other day I stumbled upon a gem called Girl Story. When I read the description, I simply couldn’t resist:
Do work, shop in the mall, dress yourself up and flirt with hot guys in the club! And you can get a boyfriend, kiss him, dress him and request gift from him!
Based on that, it’s either glorified prostitution or a video game version of Clueless. I love Clueless! Cher was a total Betty. With matching ensembles and feathery-topped pens in my mind, I downloaded Girl Story.
Oh, wrong. It’s total prostitution. The background music even sounds like the soundtrack to a Joe Francis project. The entire premise is that you make money by “working” (some scattershot modeling, apparently—i’m willing to bet it’s of the pornographic variety) and accosting guys at bars:
Oh, goody! I bet the presents largely involve GHB!
The bars are largely named things like “Green Buffaloes” and “Hot Wind” and the only drinks they offer are beer, “cocktail,” and whiskey. What a ripoff! In order to even hit on these guys, you have to wear “night” clothes. By some streak of luck–I’m betting it was my character’s Katy Perry-esque purple shag–I snagged a boyfriend the first time I tried. His name was Alfred and he was a bricklayer and we only had to chat for 5 seconds before he waxed poetic to me constantly. However, I found myself wanting to move up the food chain, as Alfred was a needy bitch who always asked for my kisses but refused to give me a present after a whole hour of dating. RUDE. However, other options were hard to come by when you can only wear level 1 “going out” clothes:
Is it because I’m fat?
I was heartbroken. Then I realized that my character was low on energy. Oh no! What to do?! I immediately whisked her off to the grocery store, which seems to be a Real Housewife of Iphoneland County’s pantry:
Burn off the shame of your chocolate binge with diet cola and gum!
Chocophobic? Hate beverages? Never fear. Your character has somehow achieved every supermodel’s dream–her energy magically repletes over time WITHOUT food!
You may have noticed the star counter beside the Magical Donut Energy Indicator. What is that mysterious ticker? Why, that’s your confidence counter. How does one increase their confidence? By making your character read and fully understand the works of Kafka! Oh, just kidding:
But what if the clothes make me feel fat?!
That’s essentially all there is to this game. We are teaching our children excellent morals, aren’t we? Poor nutrition, superficiality, shopping, and porn: AMERICA! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some bigger fish to fry:
Thank god he’s not a BRICKLAYER. That’s just the bottom of the barrel.
Facebook to Launch New Feature That Completely Jacks Up Your Life for No Apparent Reason
Posted: 10/03/2011 Filed under: Discoveries, Tales | Tags: facebook, mark zuckerberg, myspace, social media, technology, troll 1 Comment »Facebook is ready to announce the launch of a major new interface feature, Facebook Trolls. According to a Facebook insider, Trolls will “completely jack your sh*t up just for the lolz of it.” How? For months, a top-secret group of web developers, programmers, and Kim Jong-il have worked with Mark Zuckerberg to devise a way for Facebook to completely take over every aspect of your life.
LOL U MAD?
Facebook Trolls will monitor your updates and send them through a complex judging algorithm before posting your updates to the site. For example, if one attempts to use Instagram, the popular photo-sharing app, to upload a picture of your lunch, Facebook will automatically ban you from the website for the day. Any update that contains a typo or inappropriate use of contractions will result in mentally abusing pop-up notifications for the remainder of the day. Also in development is a feature that will unleash major kinks in one’s space-time continuum every time an attention-seeking update and/or photo is uploaded.
So how will Facebook Trolls revise the most recent interface overhaul? After all, many people have complained about the recently unrolled Ticker feature, claiming that it invades users’ privacy beyond Facebook’s normal boundaries. Answer: it won’t. In fact, Facebook Trolls will introduce a new “personal ticker” that uses computer monitoring, mobile tracking, and private investigators to tell you exactly how you feel at any given moment. “You have enough to worry about,” explained Facebook CEO and creator Zuckerberg. “Why should you have to determine whether you have to pee or not when Facebook can notify you the exact moment your bladder reaches capacity?” No worries – this ticker won’t replace the ticker that notifies you of every move your friends make. After Facebook Trolls is unleashed, these two tickers will run side-by-side — the major difference is that these tickers will now be permanently displayed on your screen at all times, not just on the Facebook home page.
Other minor additions to be added with the launch of Trolls include background music on profile pages and glitter text, a nod to the “early 2000′s charm” of the moribund Myspace. A new legion of Facebook Bots will also be launched. These bots will “really lively up Facebook,” chuckles Zuckerberg. Details have been kept under wraps, but Zuckerberg let slip that a Rebecca Black bot will spam every user’s stati on Fridays.
Facebook Trolls is set to launch in mid-December, just in time for the holidays.
Kings: XTREME VERSION.
Posted: 05/31/2011 Filed under: Tales 1 Comment »Yesterday, it was Memorial Day–a perfect reason to partake in libations. My neighbor, his brother, and I decide to play Kings while drinking 40s because we’re incredibly classy. Please, try not to be jealous. Eventually, after about three turns, we decided that Kings, with its incredibly boring rules, is just not extreme enough. “Five is guys?” Please. “Ten is categories?” Psh. I frown in your general direction. No, we decided that Kings needs more obscenities, degradation, and potential injuries. For your enjoyment, I present the way we now play Kings in 1016: Kings XTREME VERSION.
TWO
Was: “Two is you.”
Now: “Two is shoe.” Each person takes their shoe off and literally throws it at a wall. Why? Why NOT? This also makes the other rules funnier because, hey, you’re missing a shoe or two.
THREE
Was: “Three is me.”
Now: “Three is Smee/Smeagol.” You either become Smee from Hook (i.e. you become everyone’s bitch, but those that command you about have to do so in a pirate voice) or Smeagol from Lord of the Rings (you cradle your drink and mumble to yourself while sketchily imbibing) until someone else draws a three.
FOUR
Was: “Four is touch the floor.”
Now: The new rule for this has yet to be decided.
FIVE
Was: “Five is guys.”
Now: You have to sing and dance to a song with a title that rhymes with five–”Stayin’ Alive” or “I Will Survive,” for example.
SIX
Was: “Six is chicks.”
Now: Another rule up for grabs. I’m thinking six should be for sticks, where everyone just pokes each other with sticks until someone cries.
SEVEN
Was: “Seven is heaven.”
Now: Everyone still puts their hand up, but it has to be the hand you’re drinking with. If you forget, spill, or are the last person with their hand up, you drink.
EIGHT
Was: “Pick a mate.”
Now: Eight is for berate. Whoever drew the card literally picks someone else that’s playing and yells profusely at them while they drink until someone laughs (or cries).
NINE
Was: “Bust a rhyme.”
Now: You still bust a line, but it has to be linear. The rhyming session has to tell a story that makes sense. If you fail to continue the storyline or don’t rhyme, you drink.
TEN
Was: “Categories.”
Now: Go outside, preferably on a roof, and shout nonsensical, curse-laden sentences as loud as you can. Whoever has the lamest declaration has to drink.
JACK
Was: “Never have I ever.”
Now: DANCEOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can be between two persons or all the parties involved.
QUEEN
Was: “Questions.”
Now: This should be Quotations. You pick something and quote the living hell out of it. WHILE JOUSTING. Whoever loses the joust or fails to quote is fatally stabbed has to drink.
KING
Was: “Make a rule.”
Now: Everyone slides across the floor in their socked feet. Whoever goes the farthest is exempt from drinking. Everyone else chugs. What’s that, you say? This only works on hardwood or tile floors? Um, I don’t care. You make this rule work. This rule was inspired by a rousing game of Kings played in New Orleans when the water supply for the city was tainted and we had literally nothing safe to drink but beer.
ACE
Was: “Waterfall.”
Now: Still waterfall. I mean, alcohol poisoning has always been a possibility with this rule, so it’s A-OK for Xtreme Kings.
You’re Tearing Me Apart, VCU!
Posted: 04/03/2011 Filed under: Pictures, Tales | Tags: basketball, final four, rams, richmond, riots, rva, vcu Leave a comment »Let me start by saying that the entire NCAA journey has been quite an experience. I’ve never seen a school go from vaguely apathetic hipsterdom to positively drunk with school spirit (and PBR) in such a short amount of time. My entire Facebook and Twitter feeds have been clogged with Ram support for almost two weeks now, mainly from Mr. Jeff Green:
Not all of the Internet has smiled upon the Rams: this article marks the first time I’ve ever disagreed with The Onion about anything. Ever. However, the good outweighs the bad by far. For example, what do you get when you mix VCU’s basketball team with tasty food and epic situations? Ramblood. Ramblood may actually surpass Paula Deen Riding Things on my list of favorite meme blogs ever. An example: Joey Rodriguez and Obama fist pumping in a lightning storm. Why not?
Unfortunately, VCU’s streak of epic winning came to a screeching halt last night. After making it to the Final Four and sufficiently screwing up everybody’s game brackets, VCU lost to Butler University, the nation’s top academy for manservant training–a completely unfair game, since Butler somehow snuck Mark Zuckerberg onto their team under the pseudonym “Matt Howard.” Because of this loss, Richmond was (literally) in flames. This Facebook post sufficiently sums up the situation in Richmond last night:
You read correctly–tear gas. My friends and I were fortunate enough to be caught in the thick of it. It appears that springtime riots are becoming a tradition in my life. After all, nearly a year ago, I was caught in the maelstrom of the JMU Springfest Rage Riots.
Of course, there’s about 500 videos on Youtube proving that Richmond took the loss more riot-ly than quietly:
The riot, tear gas and all, was actually my favorite part of the entire tournament. Nothing brings a city together like a collective sense of disappointment, outrage, and love for the name Shaka. New bonds were formed as we stormed the streets, screaming obscenities regarding Butler and their mothers to anyone who would listen. And of course there were riot cops. Really rude ones, by the way. One special man was holding his riot shield upside down, reducing how seriously anyone took him by at least 57%. We tried very politely to inform him of this error and he was completely unresponsive, much like a Buckingham Palace guard (but with a less baller uniform). Here’s my friend Marianne posing with the illiterate fool:
Some say that the adventure is over, but I disagree. I think this is just the beginning of great things for VCU. With a coach named Shaka Smart, how can we go wrong?
Also…our football team is still undefeated.
Close me out, Joey Rodriguez:
