Fart jokes have been around for at least 600 years. File under: Chaucer, ye olde sports, things I didn’t actually read in high school.

Nope, that’s not a Kardashian! The “Venus of Willendorf“ is estimated to have been carved 26,000 years ago. “My Humps” wasn’t even out yet!

The sun is roughly 4.67 billion years old. It probably won’t completely destroy the entire solar system as we know it for another 5 billion years or so. And trailing right behind it…

The giant rock that we hang out on is an estimated 4.54 billion years old, but it doesn’t look a day over 3.54 billion.

Yolo’s not just for the daggum kids. The community of #Yolo, CA was established in 1849.

There are absolutely no survivors left from the REAL Titanic’s sinking in 1912. That doesn’t mean you, Billy Zane, actor desaparecido.

The word “swag” was commonly used in the early 1800s to describe stolen goods, or “booty,” if you will. A “swagman” referred underclass transient workers! Watch out, Bieber!

The first mobile phone – made in 1983 – looked like this. Now why don’t you show your non-Siri iPhone 4 a little love?

Lindsay Lohan is 26 and looks like this.

Don Draper: Don Draper reads Dante’s Inferno on the beach, which is either: 1) a completely transparent metaphor for how his life has become a living hell; 2) a more sneaky metaphor for the doozie of a sunburn he acquires in Hawaii; 3) hinting that Don is about to change his name to Don-te, drop everything, and run far, far away. To Hawaii. Or jump off a bridge. Really, the whole resorts-as-a-”jumping off point” banter was trés suicidaire. For the rest of the episode, Don is basically the Don we know and love to hate to love: miserable, haunted by the past, firmly lecturing clients, and canoodling with women who don’t have unfortunate teeth. Well, except for when he channels Snooki at Roger’s mother’s funeral and throws up into a conveniently placed umbrella stand.

Megan Draper: The camera lingers longingly on Megan/Corinne’s hipbone zone/thigh gap to draw our focus away from her aforementioned sad teeth and implausible new role as a soap opera co-star. She also takes a very blatant ride on the Pineapple Express. On the bright side, she makes fondue! I’m so proud of her for learning a recipe that’s not sauceless spaghetti.

Betty Hofstadt Ikeaschnitzel Draper Francis: After some lighthearted child rape banter with her newest husband, Betty takes a break from being the worst mother this side of Dance Moms in order to track down her daughter’s rando friend on the set of Rent. She makes a yummy pork butt goulash in an empty paint can with some snotty derelicte hipsters and then decides to darken her infamous flaxen locks.

“Gee, I hope dark hair is more slimming than a babushka. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Sally, GO WATCH TV.”

Roger Sterling: Roger’s mother dies. He is unfazed. The funeral can’t decide if it’s Downton Abbey or Jersey Shore (thanks, DRAPER!). Note to viewers: don’t send hoagies to a funeral if you want to keep your spleen. Roger bestows upon his daughter the Sterling family jar of piss holy water, which the family apparently uses for baptisms. If you’re familiar with Sterling’s stint as an, umm, golden politician on Sex and the City, this mayhaps make you feel uncomfortable. Towards the end of the episode, Roger breaks down in tears. This is actually because his newfangled love for LSD has allowed him to transcend the time-space continuum and glimpse the future and he is just VERY, VERY SAD that his office looks like Ikea threw up in an Apple store, guys. (Ironic, considering Don’s funeral gastrointestinal pyrotechnics).

Jane Sterling Bondgirllastname: Has used her divorce settlement to buy Queen Elizabeth’s hats.

Pete Campbell: Life in Star’s Hollow is causing rapid aging. Pete has completely misinterpreted the concept of donating his hair to charity; the ruins of his receding hairline have been pasted upon the faces of the SCDP staff.

Next week, Pete confronts his life in Lilly Pulitzer upholstered hell.

Ken Cosgrove: Ken Cosgrove, a bastion of clean-cut beardlessness in a hipsterfied ‘Nam era. Ken Cosgrove, an American hero.

Bert Cooper: Bert Cooper continues to do an excellent job playing Burl Ives.

Everyone else at SCDP: Not only did Mad Men have more deaths than Game of Thrones, it also had more beards. Apparently, the creative department took a healthy hit of the Williamsburg juice. Harry Crane seems to have been inexplicably replaced by that guy from Flight of the Conchords.

“I got this vinyl with all these, like, recordings of ‘Hare Krishna’ downtown. We can totally use it to sell organic kale or baby wipes.”

I, for one, am a bit nonplussed by this premiere. Questions that need answers: why is Stan trying to look like Robert Baratheon? Why Inferno? That metaphor, in my opinion, is empty. If you’re going for a blatant hell symbolism, why not use No Exit? Something bougie. Something that involves less piety/swimming in rivers of excrement. Another thing – two hours? Was that necessary? Are they going for some kind of #meta move where they make Mad Men not just about advertising, but about TODAY’S advertising? Is that why Joan was only present between scenes to sell me Johnny Walker and/or boob jobs? And finally, WHY ARE WE IGNORING GINSBERG’S STORYLINE? HE WAS BORN ON MARS.

Next week, Cat Marnell guest stars as Sally’s new best friend/drug dealer and Peggy sets her irritating new firm on fire. Betty yells at Sally for listening to the “mainstream” Monkees and falling victim to “the Man” while still forgetting that Bobby exists.

1. Thoughtful Intro

2. Yet One More Time

3. Re-rezzed

4. Giving No Fucks

5. Doing the Robot, Huh?

6. Stop Doing the Robot

7. TENNIS (Technotronic Electronic Neolithic Narcoleptic Isotropic Supersonic)

8. Gunner

9. Je Voudrais

10. Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever

11. Keynesian Cybernomics

12. Bloop

13. End

What do you mean, nobody likes center hair parts on males?!

• Cargo Jeans with Katie Holmes
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• Hubris
• Ennui
• Crying and Shame
• Love and Judgment for Dummies
• I’m a 23-Year-Old High School Senior
• Seagrass
• A Warning Against Ice Cream Cones
• We Love You, Mr. Leery!
• We Hate You, Abby Morgan!
• So My Best Friends Got Married and All I Did Was Write This TV Series
• Gossip Girl

Click “more” for, well, more.

Dear 7/11 powers that may be,

It is with utmost urgency that I confront you concerning a problem crushing the souls of the nation’s up-and-coming youth. Your late night menu is, without a doubt, sufficient…but ONLY sufficient. Is America not a country that strives for excellence? Do we not work every day to maintain our reputation as an international powerhouse? Do we not live by the principals of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and equality?

You, 7/11, represent the people itself. In many major cities across the United States, there is a 7/11 on nearly every corner, ready to serve our needs thriftily with a Big Gulp in hand. As a 24-hour establishment, you are the only oasis for many in the wee hours of the morning. This nation is a melting pot – we thrive on diversity and cultural acceptance. So why not offer a late-night menu as diverse as America itself, 7/11?

Let’s do a quick recap of what you do offer: pizza, chicken wings, a mysterious product called beef patties, hot dogs, and several varieties of “taquitos” (bacon, egg, cheese, and potato; buffalo chicken; jalapeno and cream cheese; Monterey jack and chicken; steak and cheese; and taco and cheese). Do you see the conundrum here? All of these products contain meat. An estimated 6.7% of the American population is vegetarian; this percentage is higher among the younger demographics. Who does your late-night menu really cater to, 7/11? Let’s be honest. I’ve made a pie chart based on highly scientific guesstimation:

FIG. 1 Patronage of 7/11 for foodstuff purposes during “late-night” (a.k.a. 11 PM – 5 AM).

As you can see, you cater highly to younger people, yet you force all of the vegetarians into a sad, spicy pigeonhole filled with jalapeño cream cheese. This, 7/11, is an atrocity (SEE: Figure 2). Hath a vegetarian not eyes? If you prick them, do they not bleed? If they drink, do they not get cravings for extreme amounts of fried food? If you wrong them, shall they not seek revenge? Oh, they shall. 

With this in mind, I, taking into mind vegetarian consciousness as well as overall thriftiness and hunger satisfaction for the entire population, have brainstormed several additional options that you may consider adding to your late-night options.

FIG. 2. A sad vegetarian.

1. FRIED GRILLED CHEESE ROLLERS

Picture eating a tasty grilled cheese sandwich. Now picture eating a grilled cheese sandwich – without the highly inergonomic shape of a traditional sandwich. Why deal with pesky slices of bread when you can have the delightfully melty taste of a grilled cheese sandwich – IN THE FORM OF A ROLLER? The 7/11 Fried Grilled Cheese Roller® features 100% processed American cheese product bundled inside a toasted bread roller shell.

2. FRIED MAC-AND-CHEESE ROLLERS

Americans loves macaroni and cheese. Americans love fried things. Therefore, according to common rules of logic, Americans really love fried mac-and-cheese. Enter the Fried Mac-and-Cheese Roller®. It has a delicious filling of creamy mac-and-cheese, made with 100% processed American cheese product, lovingly blanketed by a fried batter shell – IN THE FORM OF A ROLLER!

You may be asking yourself, how is this different from the Fried Grilled Cheese Roller®? It has noodles. Sometimes you want noodles and sometimes you don’t. This way, you make everyone happy.

3. DESSERT ROLLERS

You like pie, don’t you? Pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie, banana cream pie…you catch the drift. What’s better than pie? Pie – IN THE FORM OF A ROLLER! 7/11 Dessert Rollers® come in a variety of seasonal and regular flavors, with pie filling encased in a crispy, cylindrical pie shell. Why eat regular pie when you can have all the tasty satisfaction of a slice – minus the hassle of utensils and plates?!

There are more than 8,200 7/11s in the United States alone. This does not include the tens of thousands more spread throughout the world. You can bring a change that we believe in. Satisfy our hunger. Literally.

We’re counting on you.

Sincerely, on behalf of America,

me.

Do work, shop in the mall, dress yourself up and flirt with hot guys in the club! And you can get a boyfriend, kiss him, dress him and request gift from him!

Based on that, it’s either glorified prostitution or a video game version of Clueless. I love Clueless! Cher was a total Betty. With matching ensembles and feathery-topped pens in my mind, I downloaded Girl Story.

Oh, wrong. It’s total prostitution. The background music even sounds like the soundtrack to a Joe Francis project. The entire premise is that you make money by “working” (some scattershot modeling, apparently—i’m willing to bet it’s of the pornographic variety) and accosting guys at bars:

Oh, goody! I bet the presents largely involve GHB!

The bars are largely named things like “Green Buffaloes” and “Hot Wind” and the only drinks they offer are beer, “cocktail,” and whiskey. What a ripoff! In order to even hit on these guys, you have to wear “night” clothes. By some streak of luck–I’m betting it was my character’s Katy Perry-esque purple shag–I snagged a boyfriend the first time I tried. His name was Alfred and he was a bricklayer and we only had to chat for 5 seconds before he waxed poetic to me constantly. However, I found myself wanting to move up the food chain, as Alfred was a needy bitch who always asked for my kisses but refused to give me a present after a whole hour of dating. RUDE. However, other options were hard to come by when you can only wear level 1 “going out” clothes:

Is it because I’m fat?

I was heartbroken. Then I realized that my character was low on energy. Oh no! What to do?! I immediately whisked her off to the grocery store, which seems to be a Real Housewife of Iphoneland County’s pantry:

Burn off the shame of your chocolate binge with diet cola and gum!

Chocophobic? Hate beverages? Never fear. Your character has somehow achieved every supermodel’s dream–her energy magically repletes over time WITHOUT food!

You may have noticed the star counter beside the Magical Donut Energy Indicator. What is that mysterious ticker? Why, that’s your confidence counter. How does one increase their confidence? By making your character read and fully understand the works of Kafka! Oh, just kidding:

But what if the clothes make me feel fat?!

That’s essentially all there is to this game. We are teaching our children excellent morals, aren’t we? Poor nutrition, superficiality, shopping, and porn: AMERICA! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some bigger fish to fry:

Thank god he’s not a BRICKLAYER. That’s just the bottom of the barrel.

LOL U MAD?

Facebook Trolls will monitor your updates and send them through a complex judging algorithm before posting your updates to the site. For example, if one attempts to use Instagram, the popular photo-sharing app, to upload a picture of your lunch, Facebook will automatically ban you from the website for the day. Any update that contains a typo or inappropriate use of contractions will result in mentally abusing pop-up notifications for the remainder of the day. Also in development is a feature that will unleash major kinks in one’s space-time continuum every time an attention-seeking update and/or photo is uploaded.

So how will Facebook Trolls revise the most recent interface overhaul? After all, many people have complained about the recently unrolled Ticker feature, claiming that it invades users’ privacy beyond Facebook’s normal boundaries. Answer: it won’t. In fact, Facebook Trolls will introduce a new “personal ticker” that uses computer monitoring, mobile tracking, and private investigators to tell you exactly how you feel at any given moment. “You have enough to worry about,” explained Facebook CEO and creator Zuckerberg. “Why should you have to determine whether you have to pee or not when Facebook can notify you the exact moment  your bladder reaches capacity?” No worries – this ticker won’t replace the ticker that notifies you of every move your friends make. After Facebook Trolls is unleashed, these two tickers will run side-by-side — the major difference is that these tickers will now be permanently displayed on your screen at all times, not just on the Facebook home page.

Other minor additions to be added with the launch of Trolls include background music on profile pages and glitter text, a nod to the “early 2000′s charm” of the moribund Myspace. A new legion of Facebook Bots will also be launched. These bots will “really lively up Facebook,” chuckles Zuckerberg. Details have been kept under wraps, but Zuckerberg let slip that a Rebecca Black bot will spam every user’s stati on Fridays.

Facebook Trolls is set to launch in mid-December, just in time for the holidays.

In your August issue, you included an intriguing article that analyzed “what his Facebook status means” in your usual estrogen-drunk, over-analytical form. One of your categories for Facebook stati was “Man Who Posts Lots of ‘Deep’ Thoughts.” You included the following example status:

Demonstrate value. Engage physically. Nurture independence. Inspire hope.

You went on to say that the man that posted this takes himself pretty seriously, is thoughtful, reliable, and extra sensitive to women’s needs. I would just like to take this moment to politely correct you. The man that posted this was, in fact, quoting the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

This system was designed by Dennis Reynolds, debonaire manwhore extraordinaire, to make any woman fall in love with him before he sneaks off into the night, leaving her crying into her 600-thead-count pillowcase. So yeah…I don’t think the guy that posted this is any of those things you said.

Nice try. Hilarious embarrassing moments this month, by the way!

Sincerely,

Justine

Good old Warren, however, gave me an excellent plan. You see, I was a liberal arts major. An art history major, to be specific. In case you’re an optimist or just an idiot, let me put it to you bluntly: major in art history, struggle financially. I’ll illustrate the situation for you. Most of my fellow art nerds and I tolerated unpaid internship after unpaid internship before acquiring even the most basic, art-related job. Those that found the job market unforgiving entered graduate school for several more years of cerebral flogging. On the greener side of the grass, I have a physics-major friend who is currently getting paid $60,000 for a 6-month internship at a major tech company–an internship where he presumably does nothing but play around with robots and occasionally order people around.

So you see the predicament here. I chose what I liked over what was profitable in college, and now I’m faced with a life filled with Franzia and ramen.

So back to Mr. Buffett–his editoral inspired me. The rich should not be coddled. In fact, they should be cuddled…specifically by me. That’s right. Cuddled. Judging from Warren Buffett’s allegations, the so-called “super rich” don’t even want this money. Nay, they frown in its general direction. I plan to take advantage of this. I, for one, would enjoy having a few extra zeroes in my bank account. With this in mind, I have decided to undertake an onerous task–to assist the super-rich in being, well, not so super-rich anymore. I shall begin the quest to find the perfect wealthy husband.

Take that, silly idea of “following your dreams”!